This is me.
3:30am, lying in my own bed, still feeling a little intoxicated from the couple of glasses of red wine and good company I had a couple of hours ago. Last time I checked, I was still feeling all perked up and chirpy, but it almost always changes for the worse in the wee hours when I’m at home all alone. The soft crackling of the thunder is really not helping at all.
Today, a friend asked me what is my biggest fear. She said she’s afraid of being mediocre, and is afraid of boredom. To be honest, I don’t mind being just an average plain Jane; I just want to be a happy plain Jane. My biggest fear is to know that I am all alone – not alone physically per se, but when there is no one to count on, no one to turn to, no one to share my life with. I guess I’m a people person? The idea of being all by myself just really scares me.
People asked me if I’m doing alright. I appreciate all that love man. But somedays, I really just prefer to spend time talking to strangers I don’t know so they won’t ask me whether I’m doing fine.
I really am okay – sometimes not so good, but most times, I’m really doing fine. I just have to keep myself occupied and not come home too early to brood over problems I cannot solve and dwell in self-pity. Dad and Mom has been very loving and supportive. I took the opportunity to catch up with old friends, made a few new friends, picked up a new hobby, and am looking at enriching myself with even more new activities that I think might interest me. I’m digging deep, trying to find that inner strength to be fucking strong and to kick butt again.
Perhaps it is not always good to be an open book, and to be so open about my life on the internet. Someone told me that my thoughts sometimes do influence people – like when I got married to a girl, I gave hope to some people, and when I show that I have problems in my life, it will also mean something to people who look to me as a source of encouragement.
I have needs. I have desires. I crave for love. I crave for people who understands me. I seek understanding and I am drawn to people who are on the same page as me. I am only human. I have been like this, airing my (clean and) dirty laundry since 2007. It is just my way of coping, my way of letting out steam. I know it can be selfish to people around me sometimes, but this is me.
Some days, I just want to sleep in all day. Some days, I feel like I can rock the world, party until my pants drop and drink all the wine on the table. Today, I feel like I just want to spit a little bit of that unhappiness out onto the internet.
Some nights, I thought I understand. Some nights, I really don’t know what the fuck all this is. Tonight, I am scared and confused, I feel forsaken and this is not a good feeling. I don’t know how long I can last. Once all that clothes go into my wardrobe, it’s going to be hard to put them back into the suitcase again.
When I read your post on this, it reminds me of myself 🙂 I am an open book like you. Though I don’t blog. My instagram post shows all my feelings. and sometimes people dont understand thats how we express ourselves when we got upset ……ppl tend to judge and ppl tend to think they know me well just by my posting. But your post has been nothing but encouraging and real. Just be you Peggy 🙂 And I pray that whatever you are facing right now is just another phase in life. God will never forsake you or give you a trial that you can never overcome. Your blog has always been honest and hope you are doing OK :)…… best of luck with everything
Ur silent reader from down under in hobbiton land
Stumbled upon your webpage when I googled for “the best tiramisu in SG” a while back (Lol!). Sorry to hear what you are going through. Just wanted to let you know that you have shown immense courage by being vulnerable and sharing your vulnerability with the world. Hope things will look up for you soon!
If I have a wishing wand! I will make all your troubles gone and prevails all the happines. Stay positive, believe in yourself, feel the people around you. The road ahead is never far.
umm… what’s happening here..? why so melancholic?
I just wanna say that it is ok to be not ok, you are human afterall and you have feeling and emotions. Don’t feel that you have to live up to “someone’s expectations” because you do not own anyone. you have always been doing that : )
I hope you will feel happy again very soon and find your source of light.
To be so open and vulnerable, to feel with no limits. It’s more way more human, honest and to some extent, self aware than to be a closed book. We attach meaning to our own lives. You’ll look back one day and do the same to this period of life. Perhaps you’ll find it funny even though it feels so terrible right now. Love and light, Peggy.
Its not easy … U were true to being open and when u feel you are open about it … Things starts tumbling down …. But i look up to you about these things …. Many a time my gf and me hide it a lot from the world … And it makes craving love so hard to reach …. Who in this world would love to be left alone …. Ans is no one …. Sometimes its so hard to step out and move on sometimes u feel dependant sometimes u feel stuck and sometimes u just feel like falling all over again …. Courage i would say to be alone …. Nevertheless family will always back u up no matter what …. Like what they always say we come from nothing and we go back to nothing in death …. But how many have the courage to give up everything to be back to nothing …. A saint ?? Prolly …. Just like loneliness …. Sinks in like an addiction yet feels horrendous as it sinks …. Ironic aint it ? All i can say i feel u …. And jia you ….
Hey Peggy, well I am just the same. An open book. Whether I am sad, angry,unhappy or happy, everything is written all over my place. I admire your courage to share and to vent. Afterall, we are human and we go through ups and downs in life.
At times, you just need to let go to make yourself feel better. Recently I saw one facebook message which makes a lot of sense about life:
If it is something that is beyond control, it’s time to let go. Be happy!