This is me.
3:30am, lying in my own bed, still feeling a little intoxicated from the couple of glasses of red wine and good company I had a couple of hours ago. Last time I checked, I was still feeling all perked up and chirpy, but it almost always changes for the worse in the wee hours when I’m at home all alone. The soft crackling of the thunder is really not helping at all.
Today, a friend asked me what is my biggest fear. She said she’s afraid of being mediocre, and is afraid of boredom. To be honest, I don’t mind being just an average plain Jane; I just want to be a happy plain Jane. My biggest fear is to know that I am all alone – not alone physically per se, but when there is no one to count on, no one to turn to, no one to share my life with. I guess I’m a people person? The idea of being all by myself just really scares me.
People asked me if I’m doing alright. I appreciate all that love man. But somedays, I really just prefer to spend time talking to strangers I don’t know so they won’t ask me whether I’m doing fine.
I really am okay – sometimes not so good, but most times, I’m really doing fine. I just have to keep myself occupied and not come home too early to brood over problems I cannot solve and dwell in self-pity. Dad and Mom has been very loving and supportive. I took the opportunity to catch up with old friends, made a few new friends, picked up a new hobby, and am looking at enriching myself with even more new activities that I think might interest me. I’m digging deep, trying to find that inner strength to be fucking strong and to kick butt again.
Perhaps it is not always good to be an open book, and to be so open about my life on the internet. Someone told me that my thoughts sometimes do influence people – like when I got married to a girl, I gave hope to some people, and when I show that I have problems in my life, it will also mean something to people who look to me as a source of encouragement.
I have needs. I have desires. I crave for love. I crave for people who understands me. I seek understanding and I am drawn to people who are on the same page as me. I am only human. I have been like this, airing my (clean and) dirty laundry since 2007. It is just my way of coping, my way of letting out steam. I know it can be selfish to people around me sometimes, but this is me.
Some days, I just want to sleep in all day. Some days, I feel like I can rock the world, party until my pants drop and drink all the wine on the table. Today, I feel like I just want to spit a little bit of that unhappiness out onto the internet.
Some nights, I thought I understand. Some nights, I really don’t know what the fuck all this is. Tonight, I am scared and confused, I feel forsaken and this is not a good feeling. I don’t know how long I can last. Once all that clothes go into my wardrobe, it’s going to be hard to put them back into the suitcase again.