Not jaded, not sick of something I’m doing,
but just pure fatigue because of all the constant lack of sleep every night.
It is almost 6am and I am just done with my shower.
I’m dying to hit the bed but the bugging urge to update my blog has driven me to sit before the laptop again.
The Tiramisu Hero is 20 days old as of today.
Even though we are this young, I am very happy to have created something I am proud of with A.
As I was talking to A about The Tiramisu Hero this afternoon,
I suddenly realized that this is actually one of the biggest thing I have set out to do.
And it somehow feels like a “last chance”.
I don’t know if you know what I mean by “last chance”, but I hope you do.
I want to break out of the cycle.
I don’t want to be doing something I dread.
I don’t want to be working my ass off to make money for another person sitting in the bigger office.
I am 27 years old this year and I cannot help but feel unaccomplished at many times.
This feeling is exceptionally evident when I see how peers of similar ages are all in high-paying jobs,
buying their first house, or having their own businesses.
I am never someone with a high self esteem.
And I remember how my ex used to tell me that I need to have higher aspirations.
But what is enough?
I guess it’s different for everybody.
Some want a big car, a big house, big careers.
Some want fame, popularity and lots of money.
I have dreams and aspirations too. I just don’t know how to make them happen.
And as I grow older, I see those dreams getting fainter and fainter.
I just want to be happy; have a place of my own where I can spend time with the people I love,
and have sufficient to lead an average life.
Really don’t see a point in doing something that brings in the money but leaves me with no time for the people around me.
As I typed that last sentence, I felt guilty.
Because I haven’t been home for the last couple of days and I feel really bad about it.
I have been swarmed with work this last few weeks and it really leaves me with no time for anything else.
A and I get about an average of 2 to 5 hours of sleep every night.
We work the moment we get up, all the way until the wee hours.
You might think it’s ridiculous.
I think, too, that it’s ridiculous how we have so much to do too, but I guess creating something from nothing really needs a lot of work.
I look like crap half the time and constantly have aching legs because of all the standing and walking around.
We are the boss, the marketeers, the logistic officers, the operations managers, the chefs, the cleaners, the delivery girls.
And it really leaves us with no time for ourselves, not to mention our family.
My Mom texted me two days back and asked me why I haven’t been home for so long.
“Even people with big businesses go home at the end of the day,” she said.
After reading her text, I cried.
Because I felt misunderstood and I wish she could see what I am doing every single day.
I want to do something that will make her proud of me.
She had always been very supportive of me and this little business venture,
and I hope she can continue to lend me her support.
I hate growing up.
I remember how I used to envy how Mom has lots of mail in the letterbox, and I always wished I had many many mails too.
My goodness. I wish those mails and bills won’t come now!
There is always this immense amount of stress every time I think about my future.
No, I don’t have a rich dad. And I am not some talented smarty pants which every big corporation wants to hire.
What does the future holds? Where will I be one decade later?
It scares me to even think about it.
I think I forgot what had happened to me in the last 5 years.
The last time I checked, I think I was only 22.
The last couple of years just whizzed by like that and I didn’t even realize how fast time went by
until I sat myself down and see what I had done in life so far.
Time is brutal indeed.
I hope it’s not too late to give it one last shot and have my “last chance” to break out of the cycle.