Reflections
Comments 19

Shaken, Not Stirred

At first, I cried my eyes out and bawled words of hatred hysterically in my head. I swore and cursed and wished for people I detest to die. When I feel like I’m going to implode, I crawl into bed, assume a fetal position, and furiously scribble in my Talk To You Later book, translating my rage into uncouth words and profanities. More often than sometimes, tears from my right eye would dribble across the bridge of my nose into my left eye before hitting my pillow. So don’t ever judge stained pillows. I made myself revisit every moment I got my heart broken, ruminated and immersed myself in those thoughts so I could recall exactly how I felt. But I get distracted oh so easily – sometimes it was when I marvel at how my incredibly smooth ink pen is all inky but still doesn’t seep through the page, or when my half-drunk Dad insists that I share the (single) packet of mixed vegetable rice he brought home, sometimes it was because the end of the page is uncomfortable to write on, and I struggle with the dilemma of dealing with the discomfort and continuing to write regardless, or leaving that disgraceful bit of white space and skipping to the next page. Then I forget what it is I was angry about, and decide to make a cup of hot tea for myself. Forgetfulness is at times, a virtue.

I listen to songs on repeat and seek refuge in morose poems and depressing lyrics. I listen to lyrics more than the melody. I feel heartened whenever I find a song with lyrics describing exactly what I am going through. “I am not alone,” I think. I love reading the words in the songs or poems so intently it reminds me of how pathetic I am that it makes me cry. I love the whole wallowing in sadness thing, I am quite a masochist in this aspect. Then I resist the perverse need to photograph myself crying because I am so fucking addicted to telling the whole world how I feel. Because there are many studies concluding that people who share photos of themselves working out or crying are psychopaths, and since I care so deeply about what others think of me, I pretended to be reticent and reclusive, and that I disregard the opinion of others. Truth is, I feel loneliness not solitude, and I fucking hate this intense feeling of forlornness. I cannot stand knowing I am all by myself.

On some good days, I wake up feeling brave. I start unpacking suitcases filled with clothes because I want to quit seeing my home as a halfway house; as if it is just going to be temporary, like after a while I’ll be whole enough to reintegrate into my old life. I bought new bedsheets and a new fluffy light pink throw. Bought flowers, carefully de-thorned them personally and put them into under-utilised vases. I repainted my room – 1 black, and kept 3 white – although I felt more like 3 black walls and 1 white. I bought new clothes because I wanted her to see a different me, or perhaps to take a second look at me, or ask me where I got those new shoes from, or give her the impression that I am getting along so well I even had the leisure to shop for new clothes, or.. I just wanted to feel good about myself. I had no idea what my true intention was, I just felt a pressing need to look and feel brand new. I asked friends out and I flirted with people. I felt like people actually still appreciated me and sought after when someone compliments my hair or how fresh I looked, or how I had lost weight and asked for my secret. “Just eat less and exercise” was my usual answer. I didn’t want to let them know it was because food does not interest me and eating was the last thing on my mind; that I just long to vegetate on my beautiful bedsheets with my eyes shut and listen to spoken poetry all day, that I wake up at 4pm so that the day would be shorter and most of my friends are only free at night to keep me company. It was my idea to leave, and I was supposed to stick to my plan even after it had backfired; when she agreed that this short separation might be a good solution.

I left my wedding band at her place. And every time I see her, I’d notice whether she still wears hers. She doesn’t. To somebody who reads too much in everything, that is a sign. I’m such a paradox. She brings me my clothes so that I can still live comfortably at home with everything I might need. That wasn’t how I read it. Perhaps it was really because I victimise myself. I allotted to myself a specific amount of time to mourn, etched the end line on the calendar inside my head. I repeated my story to anyone willing to listen. I air my dirty laundry online. It was selfish to a certain extent, because I know my voice is louder than hers, at least in the virtual arena. It was my way of gaining some meagre support. I would always end the story with, “Well, that was only my side of the story. You haven’t heard hers” to further schemingly convince my listeners that I am an impartial person who had tried umpteen times in vain to put myself in her shoes.

Then 5 months went by like that. 5 months of soul searching and pursuit of loving oneself.

They say time heals, but they forgot to include the fact that before it heals you, it numbs you. The blows weren’t fatal enough – you were not strong but you were brave enough to grasp on to life – your heart learns how to numb itself and you gradually need to fight less and less hard to stay afloat. In that numb state, you heal. The body works in miraculous ways indeed. The gaping hole fuses. The scar it leaves behind becomes a badge of honour. My friends tell me I would one day look back in time and laugh at myself. I sure as hell am gonna get there.

There is no shortcut to the end, no way of bypassing the grief death brings. I coerced myself to frolic with the pain, savour the fear, quit asking myself why, stare at the ghost of our love affair in its eyes and acknowledge its demise. I focused on working with the centrifugal force to swing myself out of this vicious cycle of denial, anger, bargaining and depression. I know full well I’m going to exit all beaten up because I have never felt more alone and my self-esteem has never been lower in my life. I feel like the once-juicy plum still left on the vine.

The next person I need to fall deeply in love with is myself. I must not stop believing in love.

A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor, right?

This entry was posted in: Reflections

by

Peggy is an independent blogger from Singapore who has a penchant for impromptu travel plans and good caffe lattes. She is the co-owner of two little cafes, The Tiramisu Hero and Butter My Buns, and hopes to be able to see the world someday; one stop at a time.

19 Comments

  1. Surenuts says

    While we are reading every details in our surrounding and other people, people are doing the same thing; observing and interpreting. We return the wedding band to our partner could mean we wanted the partner to know how hurt we are but our partner might read it as we given up and ending the relationship. Acting to be cool in the new us to show the world that we are fine but our partner could read it as we have moved on and we are happier with the new status we are in. What I’m trying to say is people may not read things like we do, even the person who is your closest.

    Everything changes constantly but most of us do not realize that the person close to us changed because we always think that we knew him/her. Human nature to take things for granted.

    Two persons could be in relationship until old age not because of miracle but they WORKED it. Relationships need a LOT of WORKS and NEVER ENDING WORKS. The problem with our generations is giving up easily. I hope you both could speak your minds out and let each other know how you both really feel. I wish you could work things out. Continue to love yourself. Apologize if my two cents opinions intruded or offended. Peace

    Like

  2. stranger says

    Hi girl, stay strong, I know how you feel.
    My friend who patch back with her ex told me about LOA. I read alot about law of attraction,I started up by hoping I could get my ex back, at the end turned out I feel the calm and not hoping/waiting for her return anymore. She was my first girlfriend, everything was so good, soul mate, only this person understands me,blah blah blah, the scary part about losing her is the memories we created together become history. I laughed at myself I felt like I was a joke, go to bed early every night so my day can end early. I even stop drinking I dont feel good to cry to sleep and see her in my dream and wake up feeling the emptiness. I read your story and words I found so many things in common, which I told myself I am not alone.I told myself to move on
    我喜欢快乐的自己
    从今以后不回头看
    我的快乐自己负责
    不好也很好.
    make yourself whole, we dont know whats going to happen,everyday is a new day, new opportunity.
    Heal yourself before you can start to love again.Always, remember loving can heal, loving can mend your soul. Is like you standing in mud, you have to clean your legs so that you can see your toes again

    To you,



    Like

  3. My heart sank when I read through your writtings and I am feeling utterly sad that this is happening to you. I thought you were alright. I thought you had become stronger. I thought you are happier now and things are back to normal but you’re not. Gosh! How can that be! I am feeling angry now cos I was wrong! Jez….

    Like

  4. Take all the time you need, see things and appreciate people around you. Everything happens for a reason . It may not be the end , sometime things happen so we learn to appreciate one another more. If there is still love , take your time and make the effort to communicate and work it out. If not take it as a lesson and prepares yourself for the next roller coaster ride . Jia you !!!

    Like

  5. Wallowing in self-pity and re-visiting the most painful part of the memories are our ways of forcing ourselves to reach rock-bottom and to completely destroy ourselves so we can (hopefully) rebuild. After all, with any cuts, the skin heals and thickens itself to protect from potential cuts. This is how we think our body works. This is how we think we can heal and come back stronger.

    I went through a heartbreak and did exactly what you do.

    And its been almost 2 years since.

    Like

  6. Soul searcher k says

    Hey Peggy, I may not understand how you are feeling. But whenever I see u sitting outside of TTH, you were always busy with your lappy with smile or without it. You are there sometimes alone, as night falls your friends came by, you smiled a little. Still…. do u feel happy? I have to face my hurt and agony every single day, trying to put on a brave front to everyone. When I see her, I have to look away otherwise, it will be another sleepless night. It takes two hand to clap. I don’t see the love there, instead boredom, loneliness, kicks in.
    I’m drown with emotions I can’t yet show. My universe has always been content with it stars , it hunger for something brighter and heavier. I gravitate outside the boundaries of love, I just need a little push to fall.

    Like

  7. I am a fan of you who love reading your blog but have never made any comment until today. Just want to say if there’s still love don’t give up cause regrets are the worst in life. Apologise to one another as we have nothing to lose to apologise to our love one even we might not be the one who’s at fault.

    Like

  8. Geraldine says

    Hi Peggy, hope you don’t give up on your love easily as I can see that you guys have went through a lot to be here today. Also can feel that love still exists. Hope that you will regain your love and happiness quickly!

    Like

  9. Hi Peggy, I’m neither a friend of yours nor A. Just wanna share some thoughts from an outsider’s point of view and hope it helps and speaks to you and A in one way or another.

    Love for a person doesn’t go away easily especially when you both shared so many memories. The separation is as tough and painful for her as it is for you, especially when you are the one who initiated it, it must’ve come as a low blow to her. Both of you still love each other, so what’s stopping from getting back together? Arr either of you doubtful of the other person’s love and commitment? If it’s a wrong that the other person has done, is it as bad as cheating on the other person which is the most unforgivable thing of all? If the wrong done is forgivable and both are willing to admit own faults, and work together to improve own self, both of you will come back stronger together, perhaps slowly, but surely. Communicate and put aside own pride. Jiayou.

    Like

  10. BaoLi says

    Hi Peggy,

    Please pull yourself together no matter how pain it is.
    Time does heal wounds.
    *HUGS*

    Like

  11. She love her a thousand years says

    Peggy, don’t give up when there is still love.
    Don’t think too much coz love is blind, just 敢敢去爱。
    Don’t guess what each other is thinking,just have a good talk.
    Life is really really short, cherish it.
    It’s hard to find a person who is 100% compatible with us.
    可能寻寻覓覓, 最后才发现最爱还是她却已太迟了。
    I feel your pain and I have gone thru it too.
    Few years ago, she also left me to fight the loneliness all by myself.
    我吃不能吃, 睡不能睡。没有了她全都不对。
    I lost interest in everything and feel like dying。Luckily we worked things out and come to realised that I was in wrong too.
    Maybe at certain point, u might feel pain and afraid love again but you will evetually get over it.
    We just celebrated our 16th anniversary, although there’s is always arguement and disagreement in our love life but I still love her and will always love her.
    Love needs alot of effort to keep it alive.
    Jiayou! Peggy
    Hope to see you continue to be happy with A soon.

    Like

  12. She loves her a thousand years says

    If you still love each other, pls find time to talk and sort things out.
    It’s fate that bring 2 together and it is not a easy path.
    I know how you feel but dun let hatred blindfold u.
    Flirting around and making urself seems happier will only make ur heart feel lonelier and make ur lover feel that u dun need her and u have move on. Life is very short. Dun live with regrets.
    Sorry if it offends u.
    I just wanna see the 2 of u happy and all the lovers in the world to be happy.

    Like

  13. Astheee says

    I’ve been reading your writing more frequently ever since A came because I gave up my first gay love. No offence but you’ve been with A for 2-3 yrs and after your marriage in SF, in a matter of mths smth didn’t quite go right. Makes me wonder what went so wrong between u two love birds. Can’t get my head ard it. But I’m sure you’ll move on, but that particular feeling/emotion stay till the end. Like how life just goes on. Sad but true. Take care peggy you’re a very strong lady, you’ll pull thru

    Like

  14. Andronicus says

    Real treasure lies not in what can be seen, but what cannot be seen. Real love lies not in what is done and known, but in what that is done but not known.
    Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, hang in there, to whatever the outcome may be, I wish you well and all the best.

    Like

  15. Heartbroken says

    I occasionally read your blog and was shock to see this but still I never leave any comment. your story did gave me some hope that this kind of relationship will actually work, never expect it comes to the end.
    This week was terrible for me,my girlfriend left me because she is pregnant and getting married soon,the news was too shock and then she left my world right after she told me.I thought we’ve decided to be together forever but she gave up suddenly.my heart totally broken,I know I have to let it go but it is too tough

    Like

  16. I followed you in Insta and heard you sang ‘live’ and so i chanced upon your blog and read this. People says time heals. In true honesty, I wished i can say that but time doesn’t heal, time only makes you forget. So in our daily busyness, we forget but when quietness comes and when we are alone, it hits you back like a ton of bricks. Yes, it doesn’t heal; it just makes you forget.
    It is our strength that gets us back on our feet; slowly but surely. The loneliness is unbearable; i can’t stand it either and often I wonder to myself if I can get through it all.

    It has been 4 months since you last wrote this post. Has it been getting better? I hope it has but somehow the songs you sing shows otherwise. Now i know why happy songs aren’t really for you.
    People often says we know it feels. What crap, no one really knows unless they are you isn’t it. Each heartbreak and pain can only be felt by the person involved. It is in a way customised or if you like tailored to each person. Only you can feel what you feel.
    Take time and time is all we have left. And slowly but surely you will get there.
    – my two cents worth-

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s