“Cause if you’re happy in your head then solitude is blessed and alone is okay. If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.”
I love this line from that Youtube video that I watched many years ago when I was on a frantic search of a solution to cope with that immense feeling of loneliness.
I’m proud to say that, as of right now, I feel like I’ve really come a long way from that old Peggy. I can vividly remember myself feeling a lump in my throat while having lunch alone in Hong Kong on my first solo trip. And that anxiety attack I suffered while on the media trip in Dublin. It was irrational and ridiculous how those situations would make me feel so vulnerable, insecure, and more importantly, alone.
I am in Phuket currently and it has been the third week now. This freedom is sweet. Honestly, I had big plans and visions about how this trip is going to turn out (it hasn’t been 100% accurate based on what I’ve desired) but one thing is for sure – I am still feeling fine and on this trip, I realised that it really isn’t so bad being on my own; it can be more torturing being with another person you don’t really want to be with. There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely once in a while, then the next step is to find something fulfilling to do, not mope around. I mean, even dating couples get bored sometimes no? And I’ve known myself for so long, it’s understandable that it can be harder to find something new and interesting to do. (I don’t know that makes sense, at least it made sense when that thought was still in my head).
I was at this bar alone, studying. The bar was empty when I got there, and by the time I left, it was 80% full. I got to admit, at some point of time, the thought crossed my mind – “Will people think I’m a loser because I’m out on my own on a Saturday night?”
And then I realised how silly and outrageous that fleeting thought was. Wtf do I wanna care about what others think? It’s not within my control. In fact, I should feel happy that I was out alone. Is every person around me, out with their friends or loved ones, truly happy about being right there at that moment? Not necessarily. I had the freedom to decide where I want my legs to take me. I should be grateful that I had the choice to be out, and I should be happy that *I* made that decision to take myself out.
Foiled plans and failures have taught me a lot; opened my eyes to things I’d have otherwise not known about myself. I’ve changed over the years, but I know the crux of me is still the same. I still struggle with being on my own, I’m just dealing with it better now. But I believe that I’ll just get better and better over time, hopefully it doesn’t take too long. Circumstances made me learn too. I don’t want to allow myself to feel less important or less outstanding because of another person’s opinion. I also want to learn (better) to speak my mind – tell people what I want exactly, tell people what I don’t want. Unfortunately, I think I’m still a bit of a people-pleaser.
A few days back, at Sofia’s class, I learnt that almost every emotion we have is on the scale of Craving VS Aversion. To truly get to your “self”, one has to get out of being on this scale. But that said, even the desire to be freed from the system is a kind of craving on its own. Mind-fuck right? I know. Hahaha.
I gotta go easy on myself man. It’s fucking cliche, but really, I am enough.