I gotta say, before I met Jesse, I’ve never known what a “men’s circle” or a “women’s circle” is.  “Is it like Alcoholic Anonymous?” I remember asking him.  I attended my first women’s circle a while back. First off, let me give you some context – I’m not always the most comfortable with strangers. I despise small talks and it takes me 5 meetings or 5 stiff drinks to really start to warm up to the idea of budding a new friendship with a complete stranger.  However, I acknowledge and agree with the fact that there are great people everywhere. This statement is said too many times but I’m gonna say it again – the problem lies with me, not you (or “people”, in this case).  You can say that I was completed thrown off my course and pleasantly surprised at how well my first women’s circle went. So good that I was actually already looking forward to a next session with these ladies by the time the first one ended. These was one of …

This blog is pretty dead – but there is also beauty in it, considering how it has come one full circle. I started a blog when it felt natural to move on from my written journals (since I could add photos and it’ll be forever on the internet). Now that no one reads personal blogs anymore, it does feel like it’s come a full circle, no? I am still here, though I regrettably don’t have that same dedication and mental space to pen down my feelings as often as I did before. Saw an old comment posted by a reader in 2017 by chance earlier – it said, “I’m so happy that you started writing again. One dies when one stops writing.” That resonated with me. Well one does not die, per se, when one stops writing. But the constant conversation with oneself has to always be there. So I am writing again tonight. 1 a.m. Perfect time to reflect. The world is quiet and my head is also kinda quiet. I had a busy …

I love the night, especially quiet ones like tonight. It is so still that I can almost hear the dialogues I have with myself in my head. Carpe noctem. I wondered why I didn’t get off the car tonight. Because I cared. And maybe a little too much. Oh well. I enjoyed going out tonight, it was nice to see people, friends, acquaintances. It was just nice to see familiar faces and to get into a bit of action. Unhappy stuff aside, it was good. And to be honest, I have full control of MY emotions. I have full control of MY choices. I have full control of my decisions and my actions. I actually have a lot of power. And it really doesn’t make sense to validate the negative feelings from things that are out of my control and power. I have control of my emotions and if it gives me unpleasant feelings, I can just walk away from it. And then learn from it, and learn more about myself. I was really happy …

I had an anxiety attack yesterday. It happened out of nowhere and for no apparent reason. I was just feeling “nervous” and felt pins and needles and numbness in strange parts of my body – on my upper lip, the area between my eyebrows on my forehead and nose bridge, my ears, outer areas of my arms just right above the elbows, back of my head. I was sweating. Felt a little dizzy and nauseous, felt like a diarrhoea was coming. Thankfully, it was quite a low-key (but long drawn) one and I was, in a strange way, calm enough to remember what to do when I start feeling this way – distract myself, talk to myself, observe the surroundings, get comfortable, BREATHE. And most importantly, tell myself that this is temporary and it will soon pass. I think a lot of people could confuse regular stress or fear with an attack of this sort. Until you’ve felt it before, I don’t really know how to explain the difference. I once had an anxiety attack …

In 2020, I officially walked away from one of the most important relationships I had in my life. The end of that relationship was difficult, filled with sadness, anger, blame, disappointment, and in an almost twisted way, love. It was also a cathartic release. I look back upon it now with nothing but gratitude.

It started with me wanting to write an encouraging letter to myself, but it quickly became another journal entry of me lamenting about my life. When is this going to end – this cyclical bullshit of me settling, realising that I am unhappy, seeking a way out, feeling defeated, and settling again. I had read books. Music. Travel. Opened up, shut down. Gone away, escaped, fucked around, let people in, drove people out. How and where do people find peace, grace, faith, strength? I feel so broken and incompetent. Where do I go to learn how to untangle the knots? It is so noble to call these scars my badges of honour, but the truth is I am changed, I don’t feel like the same person I was, I am still getting used to this new person. I wonder everyday if I would be okay. And it feels almost like a sin to put these thoughts online. I don’t want to burden people who care for me with my never-ending moping. My indecisiveness tires me …

The floor glistened. It is quiet and there is no one around. It started to drizzle shortly after I left home. I flustered for a while, worried that the rain might get heavier on me. Then I realised that I didn’t mind getting drenched afterall, it’s almost like some kind of baptism. Can’t remember the last time I allowed myself to embrace the rain. There is always that point of time when one is worried about getting caught in a downpour before deciding “fuck it”. I am not that alone. There are people who are still up not because they’re feeling a little off tonight – the people still at work at the sleepy gas station, the underpaid and overworked foreign workers filling cartons at the fruits and vegetables store, young men zipping around on their bikes delivering food to other hungry people (who are still awake) amongst other lone people walking/jogging at 2:30am. Every huge tree I stroll by offered some kind of solace, similar to what those occasional nice thoughts I had about …

Foiled plans and failures have taught me a lot; opened my eyes to things I’d have otherwise not known about myself. I’ve changed over the years, but I know the crux of me is still the same. I still struggle with being on my own, I’m just dealing with it better now. But I believe that I’ll just get better and better over time, hopefully it doesn’t take too long.

We are what we eat. As I grow older, I realised the importance of making good choices when it comes to food, supplements and other nourishments. As a child, chicken essence almost always meant the exams are coming. My Mom would often prepare chicken essence for me the night before a major paper or in the morning before I headed to the exam hall. To be honest, I really liked the taste of chicken essence as well (always hoped it comes in a bigger portion because it’s such a tasty soup!). Today’s post is all about premium chicken essence brand from Taiwan, Tian Yuan Xiang 田原香滴鸡精. I think what commanded my respect from this brand is their belief of how poultry farming should be kept natural and ethical, keeping their products strictly free of drug and antibiotics, and the hard work put into refining the process from free range chickens to top-quality products. And the Tian family has been doing this for three generations! When I first received the products, I was told that I …