I never knew how people did it – travelling alone, that is.
It is 4:21am and I should really be sleeping now but I am overwhelmed with both fear and excitement that I think it will be hard for me to drift into lala-land. So I might as well blog.
A small part of me always wanted to travel alone; to depend on absolutely no one but myself, to go wherever I want to go, eat whatever I want to eat and sleep in till however late I want because there is no one to answer to. But I was always afraid to have “Travel Solo” in my Bucket List because that would almost mean that I am challenging myself to do it someday. I’m useless like that.
I am now going through a little phase in my life where I think I need to find myself. If I’m not mistaken, I remembered myself to be a braver person – someone who was not afraid to speak one’s mind and act on one’s thoughts. I had confidence in myself and my choices in life. But for the last one month, I think I had more than 5 people tell me that I have lost myself. We all agreed that I need to find that person back.
So when I booked my ticket half an hour ago to my first solo trip to Hong Kong, I was nervous, worried, apprehensive, and equally proud of myself. 30 years and this is the first time I am doing this.
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I think the reasons for going on a solo trip is important; the mindset one has before one sets off on a solo trip has to be correct. I have to admit that initially, the idea of wanting to run off to somewhere on my own was because I was unhappy and upset with everything happening back here. I wanted an escape, an outlet to vent my anger, and a reason to make myself believe that I am still that person brave enough to lift my chin up and put my foot down on things and people I don’t see eye to eye with.
But she’s gone.
Circumstances, the environment and people, they have moulded me into something else.
It took me a while to notice this: running away is never going to help me or anyone. Running away might make me forget, but it will not take away my disappointment. And running away does not show that I am brave, on the contrary, it makes me a coward. So, I am learning not to see my trip as me running away, but as a learning trip for me to find out more about myself, to spend time with the Peggy inside of me who was dying away without my knowledge.
I find myself hating myself sometimes. And that is really sad. Because if I don’t love myself, how do I expect someone else to love me?
I picked Hong Kong because although I’ve been there twice, I never really knew my way around the city because I was always following somebody, or was rushing around. I was also afraid to head off to somewhere totally unfamiliar or somewhere where everyone spoke in a foreign language. I know it’s always busy there, so I reckoned I won’t be all by myself afterall, even though I’m surrounded by nothing but total strangers.
I wonder if I would feel lonely – being all by myself in a city where the people are always rushing, streets are always bustling and the nights that don’t sleep. When I hear something funny, do I just laugh to myself? When I want to make a comment at something, do I just pull out the little book from my bag to jot it down? Who should I ask if I need help in making a decision? Will I lose my way? What if I fall sick? As much as I try to hide it, I think I am genuinely, deeply fearful of being alone.
I am still trying to figure out what I want out of this trip. I guess for now, a small part of me still sees it as an escape. I am trying to shut that annoying part of me away. I’m not sure how we are going to ride the tide. Deep down, is this what I want? I don’t know.
I think this fear of being alone will be the reason that will make this trip a significant one in my life.