Reflections
Comments 6

Going Solo

I never knew how people did it – travelling alone, that is.

It is 4:21am and I should really be sleeping now but I am overwhelmed with both fear and excitement that I think it will be hard for me to drift into lala-land. So I might as well blog.

A small part of me always wanted to travel alone; to depend on absolutely no one but myself, to go wherever I want to go, eat whatever I want to eat and sleep in till however late I want because there is no one to answer to. But I was always afraid to have “Travel Solo” in my Bucket List because that would almost mean that I am challenging myself to do it someday. I’m useless like that.

I am now going through a little phase in my life where I think I need to find myself. If I’m not mistaken, I remembered myself to be a braver person – someone who was not afraid to speak one’s mind and act on one’s thoughts. I had confidence in myself and my choices in life. But for the last one month, I think I had more than 5 people tell me that I have lost myself. We all agreed that I need to find that person back.

So when I booked my ticket half an hour ago to my first solo trip to Hong Kong, I was nervous, worried, apprehensive, and equally proud of myself. 30 years and this is the first time I am doing this.

– – –

I think the reasons for going on a solo trip is important; the mindset one has before one sets off on a solo trip has to be correct. I have to admit that initially, the idea of wanting to run off to somewhere on my own was because I was unhappy and upset with everything happening back here. I wanted an escape, an outlet to vent my anger, and a reason to make myself believe that I am still that person brave enough to lift my chin up and put my foot down on things and people I don’t see eye to eye with.

But she’s gone.

Circumstances, the environment and people, they have moulded me into something else.

It took me a while to notice this: running away is never going to help me or anyone. Running away might make me forget, but it will not take away my disappointment. And running away does not show that I am brave, on the contrary, it makes me a coward. So, I am learning not to see my trip as me running away, but as a learning trip for me to find out more about myself, to spend time with the Peggy inside of me who was dying away without my knowledge.

I find myself hating myself sometimes. And that is really sad. Because if I don’t love myself, how do I expect someone else to love me?

I digressed.

I picked Hong Kong because although I’ve been there twice, I never really knew my way around the city because I was always following somebody, or was rushing around. I was also afraid to head off to somewhere totally unfamiliar or somewhere where everyone spoke in a foreign language. I know it’s always busy there, so I reckoned I won’t be all by myself afterall, even though I’m surrounded by nothing but total strangers.

I wonder if I would feel lonely – being all by myself in a city where the people are always rushing, streets are always bustling and the nights that don’t sleep. When I hear something funny, do I just laugh to myself? When I want to make a comment at something, do I just pull out the little book from my bag to jot it down? Who should I ask if I need help in making a decision? Will I lose my way? What if I fall sick? As much as I try to hide it, I think I am genuinely, deeply fearful of being alone.

I am still trying to figure out what I want out of this trip. I guess for now, a small part of me still sees it as an escape. I am trying to shut that annoying part of me away. I’m not sure how we are going to ride the tide. Deep down, is this what I want? I don’t know.

I think this fear of being alone will be the reason that will make this trip a significant one in my life.

This entry was posted in: Reflections

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Peggy is an independent blogger from Singapore who has a penchant for impromptu travel plans and good caffe lattes. She is the co-owner of two little cafes, The Tiramisu Hero and Butter My Buns, and hopes to be able to see the world someday; one stop at a time.

6 Comments

  1. HI Peggy, i have never gone on a trip alone by myself and i truly believe that i would feel super scared and anxious about it. Having said this, i applaud your courgage and definately believe that we all need to get away once in awhile or have some alone time to look back, reflect and find ourselves. For me, i have come to enjoy or perhaps accept the times that i am alone. Especially so when i have argued with the other half.
    There’s no main reason or point as to why i decided to leave you a comment. I somehow just felt like i resonated with your post. Just go with the flow and dont think so hard, i guess we never know what we will discover on our own journeys into the unknown. More importantly that you are enjoying yourself and the little unexpected things you discover along the way. Of course, please be safe as well since you are in a foreign country.
    I wish you all the best and that you return finding yourself, even if you don’t , i believe we are constantly discovering ourselves.

    xoxo, Fuhlora

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  2. Secret admirer says

    Peggy, you rock! This is what makes you so special. I have nothing but admiration for you. Have a wonderful trip!

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  3. Mystique says

    The only Fear I have is to sleep alone in a foreign land? This is definitely a label on me forever. I don’t think I will be able to cut this label off. I’m not bothered about how to navigate around. As long as I stay vigilant, I should be able to protect myself in the basics. My job requires me to meet my Fear so often. I have only 2 choices, either to drag my feet up the plane or go flip through the papers and find a new job. I have parents to feed and commitments are building up. I don’t have a choice, I got to bite the bullet and go for every business trip; alone. You can imagine me standing at the door of the hotel entrance with my luggage, looking up to the building and sighed to myself; shit I’m going to meet “Fear” again. Fear will keep appearing itself in every trip. She’s like an old friend that I will meet every time when I’m alone overseas. That is why I never take advantage of any business trip to extend as my own holiday despite my Company encourage me to do so and gosh they are ready to pay for everything but who cares about those Factory outlets in San Diego, Niagara Falls in Ontario, a picnic on the shore overlooking the Mediterranean sea. I don’t give a heck.
    No one knows I got Fear with me and I hope to get rid of her as soon as possible so getting home fast is my priority. Heck care the shopping, food and attractions!
    I can’t get good sleep when I’m with Fear. I usually get so drained for not sleeping well and I have to attend to business visits. That is seriously a torture.
    However I have Corporate Objective and Responsibility to perform. I have to wrap Fear up and get my priorities right. With Objective and Responsibility setting in, Fear has to go or at least at the back of my mind. With this rule in mind, I managed to struggle through every of my business trip.
    One thing that I learn in every of my trips is appreciating things back here in Singapore; my home; my loved ones; my colleagues. It forces me to get out of my complacency. It refreshes my perception, interpretations, annoyance that I have with people around here. I don’t know about others but for me, because I’m being put into such situation, I’m forced through the whole process. I can’t disagree that I had traded Fear with Objectives and Responsibilities. Along this trade off, I regain appreciation of things and people around me.

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  4. Hi Peggy,
    It is never too late to travel solo and you will look back in hindsight with so much pride and joy! I did a two-month long train journey from Singapore to London last November and enjoyed myself thoroughly. If you are bored during your trip, feel free to read my thoughts here at tracemytracks,wordpress.com or see some pictures I took on insta @tracemytracks ! Don’t worry too much and be ready to make some friends while you reconnect with yourself!

    Ling

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    • SIXPEGS says

      Hey Ling,

      Thanks for sharing. I do look forward to enjoying myself on the trip too!

      P

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  5. Isabel Y says

    Hi P,
    I am so glad you’re flying solo. I’ve done several solo trips. Mostly developing countries & even to the rockies.
    No matter where, it’s soooo refreshing & healing to one’s psychological well-bring & the heart.
    I am very sure you’ll thoroughly enjoy spending quality time with yourself. Gives you much headspace & allows you quiet moments to yourself. You’ll meet people, make friends, share stories, listen to tales & grow. Do stay safe, be alert. & I am pretty sure you’ll book your next solo shortly when you’re back 😉

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