I love the night, especially quiet ones like tonight. It is so still that I can almost hear the dialogues I have with myself in my head.
I wondered why I didn’t get off the car tonight. Because I cared. And maybe a little too much. Oh well. I enjoyed going out tonight, it was nice to see people, friends, acquaintances. It was just nice to see familiar faces and to get into a bit of action. Unhappy stuff aside, it was good. And to be honest, I have full control of MY emotions. I have full control of MY choices. I have full control of my decisions and my actions. I actually have a lot of power. And it really doesn’t make sense to validate the negative feelings from things that are out of my control and power. I have control of my emotions and if it gives me unpleasant feelings, I can just walk away from it. And then learn from it, and learn more about myself.
I was really happy to see my friends today, despite it being in a nicely curated social setting (not my home ground). I get so socially awkward at times. But I felt especially at ease tonight, because Jesse was with me.
Maybe I should just give less of a shit. That may be a very uncultured way of putting things, but what I meant to say is – perhaps I should ‘take a chill pill’ or, essentially don’t take things to heart so much.
I mean.. the heart can only take that much.
(Listening to The Blaze live on Youtube now. So. Good.)
And just put on some perfume. It’s 3:16am. But I deserve to smell like Mimosa and Cardamom even at unearthly hours.
I miss travelling. I miss that rush when you first step out of the airport into a city that looks and feels completely unfamiliar. I miss being pleasantly surprised at the unexpected. Darn, I even miss the frantic mental exchange rate conversion calculations when I’m out shopping.
I miss the drive; that insatiable hunger and curiosity! I miss eyebrow-raising moments, those gasps of disbelief in retrospect of something you never thought you would or could do. I miss sincere conversations with complete strangers. I love it the most when I can feel like I’m at home, albeit fleeting, in a foreign country. I miss the quirky, the misunderstood, the misrepresented, the fringes, the unseemings, and the stray cats of every place I’ve been and haven’t been to. I miss being happy to be proven wrong. I miss that breath of fresh air – in a place, an experience, or a person. I miss adventure.
That’s right, I think I miss adventure.
I miss adventure and this adventure is a mental state.
I am also looking forward to the America trip because I see it as a real break for me, one that I really need. I’m also thrilled to meet Jesse’s family and friends, and experience the country where he grew up in with him. I think I really do need to get away and shut my mind off from everything that is happening at home too. Work, money, career, future. Pfft. It really gets me down sometimes. I feel like I’ve lost my fucking soul and the worst part is, I don’t even really recognise it so I don’t know how to get it back. Perhaps I just got to make up a new one. Realign and collect myself, and my mental state. Nothing more ideal than throwing myself right into the eye of the unexpected to trigger some kind of mental stimulation and get new perspectives. Perhaps this could be an adventure in an adventure.
Aren’t we all looking for an adventure?