This blog is pretty dead – but there is also beauty in it, considering how it has come one full circle. I started a blog when it felt natural to move on from my written journals (since I could add photos and it’ll be forever on the internet). Now that no one reads personal blogs anymore, it does feel like it’s come a full circle, no?
I am still here, though I regrettably don’t have that same dedication and mental space to pen down my feelings as often as I did before.
Saw an old comment posted by a reader in 2017 by chance earlier – it said, “I’m so happy that you started writing again. One dies when one stops writing.” That resonated with me. Well one does not die, per se, when one stops writing. But the constant conversation with oneself has to always be there. So I am writing again tonight.
1 a.m. Perfect time to reflect. The world is quiet and my head is also kinda quiet. I had a busy day doing “nothings” and I’m dying to decompress.
I have been doing alright, even though I’m still bumping my head around with some stuff. There has been more stability and clarity in some aspects of my life, but I am still figuring out the bigger picture, which is why I can never Y.O.L.O. I think and worry too much. Worse thing is, I do all that with no action that follows. Haha.
I’ve been thinking about work – like what I’m going to do to make a decent income kind of “work”. I’ve always believed in having multiple sources of income, and I am still striving to get that in my life. I’ve tried a bunch of different things (and am still doing so), but I hope to attain more clarity and conviction on that. (Need to invest more) I’m often torn between “slogging half my life away to save for retirement” vs “live within your means, with prudence, and have the capacity to savour every single day”. I hope to strike a balance with that and find something which allows me to have both.
Still searching. Wish I had a rich Dad. (kidding)
Life has been stable with Jesse. We steal time amidst our schedules to have fun together. That man is working very hard at work and I respect that. I envy how his work allows him to be anywhere in the world – all he needs is his pair of hands. I think I’d like to have work that allows me to be anywhere in the world too.
It is an art living with another person, but I think we are doing okay. Perhaps a little better than okay – we have harmony at home. I think we are both appreciative of what the other do for the house, and we have a good synergy when it comes to keeping up with chores and mundane everyday things. We make time for fun and pleasure. Most times, we are both understanding and accommodating towards each other’s needs. We try to meet at the middle ground with our differences. That, I am grateful for.
The future though. I think about it a lot. I always catch myself wondering about how it’ll be like. We’ve had multiple conversations about how things might be like five or ten years down the road – will we still be in Singapore? Or, where will we be? Will we be shuffling around different cities? I also fear the day when Jesse would have leave (for various reasons). Will I be ready to be there for him physically? What does that entail and how do I make sure I am ready? If not, what does it mean? And.. I would like to be ready for that. How do I get there?
However, one of the most heartening thing I have is how he makes me feel like we have what it takes to take on whatever that’s coming at us in time. I pray for us to always have the grit and conviction to stick together through the storms. I know that takes work and constant work and checking in, and I am willing to do my part.
Also, I need to work on getting my divorce procedure done. Not for any fancy reasons but because I ought to do things properly. It would be a good closure for everyone.