I gotta say, before I met Jesse, I’ve never known what a “men’s circle” or a “women’s circle” is. 

“Is it like Alcoholic Anonymous?” I remember asking him. 

I attended my first women’s circle a while back. First off, let me give you some context – I’m not always the most comfortable with strangers. I despise small talks and it takes me 5 meetings or 5 stiff drinks to really start to warm up to the idea of budding a new friendship with a complete stranger. 

However, I acknowledge and agree with the fact that there are great people everywhere. This statement is said too many times but I’m gonna say it again – the problem lies with me, not you (or “people”, in this case). 

You can say that I was completed thrown off my course and pleasantly surprised at how well my first women’s circle went. So good that I was actually already looking forward to a next session with these ladies by the time the first one ended. These was one of the few times that I was proud of myself for putting myself in an uncomfortable position just to prove myself wrong. The outcome was well worth the discomfort. 

Kudos to the two ladies who saw the need to organise the get-together and brought the few of us – Women Of Blended Families – together. I wouldn’t say that I am someone who would welcome and take on adversities head-on all the time in the love department, but there sure are tell tale signs in my dating history indicating that I had subconsciously put myself in arguably ‘atypical’ relationships; first a same-sex relationship, now an interracial one with a single Dad. 

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With bated breath and zero expectations, I walked into the lovely home of one of the organisers of the sharing session. 

It started with us taking turns to shed light into our families and background, proving how we were qualified to sit at the table. 

I shared about how I was previously in a same-sex marriage, and am currently seeing a single father with two daughters. 

I met women with families representing various permutations of what “blended families” might mean: woman married to single dad, woman dating single dad, single mom married to single dad, single mom who married single dad and subsequently have children together. 

My point is – every family is different and it cannot be more evident to me that afternoon. More importantly, each and every one of us was sitting at that table sipping tea because we all acknowledged that there is wisdom to be share and comfort in numbers seeked. 

It was quite a surprise to know that my “problems” weren’t unique at all. I mean.. don’t we all always make a big deal of our trials and tribulations thinking “no one understands me” / “I am so goddamn special”? Short answer: No. It was comforting to know that I wasn’t being crazy for having feelings of jealousy towards my partner’s children (especially in the beginning of our relationship), how my insecurities were not unfounded.. and having my fears verified. I went into a relationship with my partner with eyes wide open; I should’ve read the fine prints, should’ve been smart enough to foresee the challenges awaiting me. 

(Before the meeting, we were each sent a simple questionnaire with a few questions like “What are the challenges you face?”, “What are the topics you’d be curious about?” etc.)

Challenges I face:

– The feeling of being “extra” and not fitting in I recall early days of dating when I would be out with my partner and his two daughters – they would fight to take the seats next to their Dad, and both would want to hold Dad’s hands when we walk. I felt unwanted. Because they are white and I’m Asian, I’d have wild ideas of thinking perhaps I might even look like the family’s domestic helper to strangers passing by.

There were also times when the girls have mentioned my partner’s ex’s name when they were actually referring to me. Those occurrences did not help with my insecurities of feeling extra, or even being “temporary”. 

Fortunately, as I build a relationship with his daughters, I have been feeling less and less of these emotions.

– Having to adjust and make plans around my partner’s ex and his children’s plans. No spontaneity.

My partner and his ex are not from Singapore. And because they co-parent their children, big decisions like “where to live” or whether they would have to relocate for their children’s further education requires them to work towards a common goal, at least until the children are independent. At the height of the pandemic, there were discussions of his ex-wife relocating because of her work, children’s education plans etc – the destination was unclear and open to discussion – maybe Bali, USA, or even Mexico. At that point of time, I felt that I do not have much say even though that might mean my partner also relocating, potentially changing the dynamics of my relationship with him. I felt like a “follower”, waiting for them to make a decision before I know what is going to be the next step. They are currently still in Singapore, but I don’t know when might be the next time something similar would pop up. It’s always something that hangs over my head. 

This has been one of the topics that we repeatedly returned to since the beginning of our relationship. To be honest, I think having a mutual understanding that we should BOTH be open to various possibilities with regards to where we would be living is a prerequisite to dating non-native. 

– Jealous of his children. Knowing that I would never be first priority.

I suppose this stood out particularly because I do not have children of my own and have never dated another single dad/mom. It comes hand-in-hand with knowing that I will never be top priority in his life; the children will always come first. I’ve caught myself wondering if things would be different and less complicated if he does not have children. Frankly, I don’t know, I honestly don’t know. There is a stark difference from my previous dating experiences where the relationship has always been more straightforward – between two persons. I would never say that dating a single Dad/Mom is more difficult per se, every damn relationship between two people is difficult. But there is undoubtedly an extra layer of complexities involved. I feel ashamed about having these feelings, and if I can be honest, hitting the internet and reading about stories from other women who shared similar plights helped me cope with my emotions (knowing that it’s common). I also try to verbalise these feelings to my partner so that he understands some “triggers” and can help me through it.

I know that we might never have children of our own, while he has two that will bind him to his previous marriage forever. And to be fair, I don’t even know if having OUR own children would change anything. I constantly remind myself that this is the he I met, and this is the he that I will continue love, learn and accept. 

– Insecurities of not being enough, subconsciously comparing myself to his previous relationships

I’d think that this has more to do with my innate insecurities. It is not the most helpful that my partner still has to be in close contact with his ex-partner because they co-parent. I know that his children are the most important people to him, and that it is something that is shared with someone from an important relationship he once had. But even if we were to have children of our own, it might not change anything. Thus.. I concluded that this is not a good thought to have.

I believe this is something that I have to work within myself. I could be feeling this way regardless of who my partner is. 

– Not sure of my role with his children

There had been times when I was alone with my partner’s children and they were out of line, and I am not sure how I should deal with it. My partner said, “You are an adult and you definitely have the right and capacity to handle it.” But I am also aware of my role – I am their Dad’s girlfriend. I would never, ever want to step into a mother’s role in their eyes, and am often torn between how my behaviour should be as a part time caregiver. More importantly, I want maintain a good relationship and friendship with them because I feel that would be what I want if I were them. It might sound brutal but they aren’t my children, I am not married to their father, therefore I’d never want to impose my ways on how those kids should be raised or disciplined. 

I imagine myself in their shoes. It’ll be nice to just have another “auntie” figure in their lives whom they know would always be on their side.

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There are things that I might never be able to say.. like “I know how you feel”, because I would never fully understand. But the least I could do is to be mature and rational enough to empathise with my partner’s plight. I believe that my partner might not even be the same person if he had not experienced his divorce, or have children. His exhibition of being a responsible father was (and is still) an attribute that I respect, and adore. I might not have fallen for him if he wasn’t a single dad, like how he might not have fallen for me if I wasn’t an “ex-lesbian”. (Hahaha kidding) I can’t stand when people label me as ex-lesbian. 

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And then there was time travel. 

These ladies have obviously been in it for longer than I have. There were some who dated single dads and went on to have children together – a his, hers and ours situation. There were single moms married to single dads working on blending two families together. There were discussions about ex-wives woes, financial battles (inline with ex-wife woes), parenting styles, living situations (from whose house, to which country to live in), in-laws, etc. Three hours was not enough to get to the bottom of winning this blended families game, but definitely long enough for me to know that there is, and will always be a solution to everything. And there will always be problems, regardless of what sort of relationship it is, blended or not. 

I think I am lucky to have a partner who is understanding and always willing to listen. I am lucky that even though he has children that are not mine, these kids love and respect me and bring joy to my life. I am lucky that he accepts my past. I am lucky that I never really had to deal with any “ex-wife woes” because she is a great person, is friendly to me and is a wonderful mother to their children. I feel lucky to have found love in unexpected places with “unexpected people”. I acknowledge that there will always be problems regardless of who I am dating or is married to. 

We encounter problems dating a “regular” single and available person. I mean, hell, don’t we even run into problems dealing with ourselves sometimes?! The sad truth is that every relationship comes with problems and challenges. Good news is: we always have the choice to choose our “difficult”. 

A calm sea has never made a good sailor.